I saw you dancing in a crowded room,  

You look so happy when I'm not with you  

But then you saw me, caught you by surprise  

A single teardrop falling from your eye

 

This is not about a girl, nor is it about a relationship. Instead, it's a reflection of a few thoughts I have developed since 2022.

 

In my high school psychology class, I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I don't know if the order of the hierarchy applies to me, but it suggests that people go through a stage in life where they seek a sense of belonging and love. This can include relationships, friendships, intimacy, and a sense of connection.

 

I think the first moment I entered this stage was in eleventh grade in high school. Before that, I was pretty oblivious to the whole idea of belonging or what loneliness even felt like. I guess you could say I didn't have much emotional depth back then. But as my life entered this phase, my view of the world changed significantly. I found myself searching for that sense of belonging and started to become conscious of who my friends were.

 

But two years later, still navigating this phase, I started university. And with that transition came significant changes––most notably in my environment and my priorities. To put simply, I began to let go of any intense longing for a sense of belonging, especially if it risked interfering with my goals.

 

With this decision came a wave of conflicting emotions––hope, joy, anger, betrayal, and sadness. In response to my attempts to re-evaluate my social circle and also narrow down and consolidate my best friends, I found myself experiencing the highs of connection and the lows of disappointment. Some friendships grew stronger, but most faded away. And this was when I realized that it was very easy to simply give up on an existing relationship––or as my friends call it, 'burn bridges.'

 

To be entirely honest, I don't currently regret most of the decisions I've made, and hopefully I won't in the future. As I still navigate through this phase, I ironically evaluate the social circle I am part of. I don't mean this in the judgmental way, but more of a question of whether myself and the people around me lift each other up and make each other happy.

 

As I grew up, my parents would always tell me that, despite what I think of myself, I can be easily swayed by my environment and the people around me. This is something you hear a lot though, right? For example, there's the saying that "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."

 

So in my head, there's occasionally the thought, Oh, maybe I should just give up on this relationship. This happens for a multitude of reasons I cannot elaborate on, but it's certainly very painful in some instances. But then I ask myself, 'Who are my closest five friends?' Surprisingly, I don't know.

 

As I shifted my priorities at the start of university, it had the side effect of making me lose touch with finding a real connection with those around me. And it became rather apparent quite recently which is why I decided to write this. You might now be wondering how the lyrics at the top of this page relate to the rest of the blog. I put them there because not only do I like the song, but they describe a sentiment I have felt twice so far in my life, which was not pleasant. And if you read my previous blog on happiness, I describe how my goal is to minimize the number of regrets I have in the future.

 

Despite these ongoing internal conflicts, I want to believe that it's possible to reconcile the heart and the mind. I know that I have been overly critical with my decisions in the past, but I now want to prioritize the idea of having long-term friendships and developing a genuine connection with those around me. To many, this is probably something easy or obvious, and you might be reading this with a confused look on your face. I know, and I think it's a plausible response to what I wrote.

 

This is not an indication that my prior goals have changed, however. I have just simply added a new one. I don't live on this Earth alone, so I want to make it feel that way, too.